Blangst in Hues
by kdlaxgoalie
Summary: What quack book did Dr. Jonsten get this idea from. "I want you to pick a color and to classify your days using different shades of that color, and then explain how the day is that shade." Really, doc, really? "I think you will find this really helpful."
1. Prologue

**Blangst in Hues**

**AN: **I plan on writing and adding a chapter every Tuesday at 8pm until then end of the hiatus. If, for some reason, I am unable to do so at that time I will post _earlier_ in the day. Also, I know this is short. The others will be considerably longer.

**Di****sclaimer:** I own nothing. I also know nothing of psychology, have never been in the type of mind frame portrayed by the main character in this story, and have never encountered blatant homophobia. As a result everything you read here is the product of my imagination after watching way too much TV and reading way too much fanfiction- so take any realisticness with a grain of salt please.

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

_February 20, 2009_

Today is a… navy day? God this seems soooo stupid- classifying my days by color. HAH. What quack book did Dr. Jonsten get this idea from. "I want you to pick a color and to classify your days using different shades of that color, and then explain how the day is that shade." Really, doc, really? "I think you will find this really helpful."

How is this supposed to help? It doesn't heal my broken arm. It doesn't get rid of the bullies, who will still be there when I get out of the hospital and go back to school. It doesn't get rid of the hate. It doesn't give me back my friends. It doesn't make my mom and dad comfortable with me again. It doesn't bring my brother, the only gay-friendly member of my family, back from college. It doesn't get rid of the scars. And in most certainly does not make me any less angry.

I guess I should explain how today is a "navy" day. I chose blue. Navy is dark blue for dark, depressing, sucky days. And today, like every day, sucks- because my life FUCKING SUCKS.

I'm 15 and gay in homophobic Ohio. My parents hate that I'm gay, my class mates hate that I'm gay, and 6 days ago I got the living crap beaten out of me (hence the hospital) by them (my classmates not my parents). Why? Because I went to a dance with another boy. Oh, and here's how my life sucks even more- said boy, who was my only friend after coming out? His family is moving to avoid situations like what happened so I'm not going to have any more friends in this stupid, backwards, mother fucking, cow-town in 5, no, 4 days. Fuck. My. Life.


	2. Darkness Comes in Many Shades

**Blangst in Hues**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I also know nothing of psychology, have never been in the type of mind frame portrayed by the main character in this story, and have never encountered blatant homophobia. As a result everything you read here is the product of my imagination after watching way too much TV and reading way too much fanfiction- so take any realisticness with a grain of salt please.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Darkness Comes in Many Shades<strong>

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><p><em>February 28, 2009<em>

Dark indigo

People are always saying that gays are going to go to hell, well guess what? I'm already there- or at least I was earlier today. The guys who beat me up are still suspended for another week but it's not like they are the only bullies.

Everywhere I turned people were staring, whispering, "Yeah, that's him- the fag that got Mike and those guys suspended." Some people didn't even bother whispering; they just said it straight to my face, "Hey faggot!" Drawing out the syllables like "Hey Abbot!" in _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_. One guy pushed me into the lockers before first period but I got him pretty good with the cast on my arm, the only useful thing to come out of the other night. After that no one tried anything physical- who wanted to say they'd been beaten up by the school fag?

Then lunch rolled around and suddenly it wasn't just a few people here and there as I passed through the hallways. It was hundreds of kids- all staring, laughing, whispering, shouting… And the teachers on duty in the cafeteria? They stood there and did nothing- or worse, I'm pretty sure I heard the gym teacher join in. It was too much- I seized and started hyperventilating, and just… ran. Through the doors, down the hallways until I collapsed.

I woke up a few minutes later in the nurses' office, apparently the art teacher (the only adult at this school who gives a damn about the gay kid) had seen what happened and brought me there. The nurse was on the phone with my dad saying that I'd had an anxiety attack and should probably go home for the day. But my dad, ever sympathetic, _yelled into the phone_ that I needed to "man up" and deal with it before hanging up. The nurse just gave me a look of contempt (she, too, did not care for the gay kid) before sending me back to my classes.

When I got home I went straight up to my room and I haven't left- my mom put a plate of food at my door but I haven't touched it. I'm not hungry- even after not eating lunch either.

How this makes my day "Dark indigo"… well, dark for the obvious sucky-ness of my life. For when I blacked out during my anxiety attack. For the mood I've been in since I stepped foot out of the house this morning. Indigo, because it's the color of bruises. For the purple-bluish black my shoulder is courtesy of that one shove this morning. For the bruises still left over from the dance. For my bruised pride.

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><p><em>March 5, 2009<em>

Hazy Navy

They were back today- the guys who beat me up. Loudly shouting stuff like "Still around, little faggy hobbit? Maybe next time we'll chase you out of Mordor." But I didn't care- when Dr. Jonsten heard about my anxiety attack last week when I first came back and the ones I had every day after that she prescribed me anxiety meds and I accidently took a double dose today (forgot it was take one pill not two like my ADD meds when I was younger).

And I loved it. It was like I was just floating around in a cloud of "don't give a fuck". People were cruel and violent (they stopped caring that my cast was a weapon when they figured out that I'm not strong enough to free myself if they pin me so that my front is against the lockers) and the teachers continued to do nothing- but I didn't care- I was high as a mother fucking kite on prescription meds and DID NOT CARE. I think I'll take extra doses again…

So hazy for the high, navy for all the bad shit (it was still bad even if I didn't care at the time).

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><p><em>March 18, 2009<em>

Twilight

Ok. I did not think through the "double dosing" plan. Prescription meds are NOT like Tylenol which you can just go buy more when you run out… anti-anxiety meds have a _schedule_. I was given a one month supply and now I'm just over halfway through the month and have run out but can't get more. It also turns out that I must be dependent on them or something because today, without them creating their glorious cloud of "don't give a fuck", I was all over the place. I'd get angry then panic then get angry again then get irritable and it just kept cycling.

My anger turned violent, too. Somebody, a football player I think, said something and I just _saw red_. Next thing I knew one of his cronies was hauling me off the guy (I'd gotten him onto the ground and was walloping on him with both fists, even the one in the cast) and throwing me in the nearest janitors' closet and locking me in. I was just so _angry! _I don't know why. I've never been a violent person before now.

When I got home my dad saw my busted knuckles (punching a guy repeatedly will do that to them) and rather than reprimanding me for fighting he congratulated me on "acting like a real man and not some pussy who just panics and cries". What a _great_ parent. NOT.

So anyways, today was twilight because it was a mix of light and dark (like how the sky fades) and had hints of other colors, namely red, like the sunset at twilight. Today was _not_ twilight because I'm a fan of those stupid books. Because I'm not. Though I certainly related to how much trouble those wolves have controlling themselves when angry today. (Ok, I've seen the movies- the guy who plays Edward is hot alright?)


	3. AS Midnight Settles In

**Blangst in Hues**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**AN:** I know it's way past 8 pm… my school was having network issues which resulted in no internet for a while.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: As Midnight Settles In<strong>

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><p><em>March 25, 2009<em>

Duke Blue

I got suspended today. I'm still out of my meds and my temper is out of control and I got into another fight, only this time a teacher saw and I got in trouble. Figures- they hear the derogatory terms, see the graffiti on my locker and the desks and the bathroom walls, see people "bump" into me, but do nothing.

The graffiti is probably the worst; the dreaded three letter word written on my dark green locker in silver paint, the desk labeled "caution, sitting here may cause you to catch fag germs", the bathroom walls covered in crude pictures of a boy (usually with an arrow labeling it as me) performing sexual acts or burning in hell… These are obvious proof that the kids at my school are cruel and close minded and that I'm being bullied and the teachers see it all and do _**nothing.**_ I stand up for myself and guess what, I get suspended.

My parents are pissed. After my first fight my dad was all proud of his "manly" son, but now… "Why can't you go back to being normal? You never got in trouble before you decided to be this way!" And my mom- she won't even look me in the eyes, she won't talk to me… She'll talk _about_ me to my dad right in front of me, saying things like, "who is this boy, this isn't the boy we've raised- this _violent, unnatural freak_."

I get to be home from school for a week- that's the one positive part of my suspension. A week without my former friends scowling at me like I'm something disgusting. A week without having to hear people talk about me behind my back. A week without being pushed around and without getting into any more fights; as angry as I am I'm not actually the biggest fan of fighting because I'm so small that no matter how hard I punch I still lose because the jocks at my school are probably on fucking steroids.

I've decided to switch things up- "Dark Navy" was getting rather repetitive. So I've found a chart of shades of blue (thank you Wikipedia). Today's shade (duke blue) is a dark naveyesq blue, specifically the one associated with Duke University (hence the name) and is fitting because I just learned that one of my tormentors is getting the hell out of Ohio next year and going to Duke.

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><p><em>April 3, 2009<em>

Cobalt

I finally got more meds, though I've decided not to double up again… the weeks of instability are not worth not giving a flying fuck. I can't handle the anger or fear well enough to not have them. I just got back from suspension two days ago, I can't afford another fight. Hell, I'm not sure if I could afford the first one- I want to get out of this hell hole someday via college, but who would take me with fights on my record besides the local community college, which would basically be hell hole version 2.0?

And I'm not sure if I ever want a week at home with my parents ever again. The way they treated me while I was suspended… It was almost worse than the bullies. At least the kids at school had never really been the friendliest to begin with, I'm dorky enough that I already got picked on before coming out, being honest about myself just escalated things. But with my parents, how cold my mom is and how unaccepting they both are, it _hurts._ **It really fucking hurts.** I mean, it's my mom and dad; the people who used to dress me up for the first day of school and take pictures at the bus stop, who tried to pretend Santa was real until I was in middle school (unbeknownst to them, my older brother had told me the truth when I was 8), who used to coach my soccer team and be a den mother for cub scouts. And suddenly they can barely stand me, all because I like boys.

The National Day of Silence is in two weeks. I think I'm going to do it this year, be silent for the day. I thought about it last year, but I wasn't ready to be out yet and I can guarantee that at my school participation in the National Day of Silence is synonymous with coming out. That's how Ian, the boy I went to the dance with, came out. He had a shirt and a pin and covered his mouth with duct tape and refused to speak. People had taunted him for years (he is rather stereotypical sometimes) and for some reason he thought that the Day of Silence would actually make a difference. His shirt was covered in facts about the LGBT community- how the suicide rate is higher, how 10% of the population is something other than heterosexual… those types of things. But it made no difference, they were just words written in red puff paint on a white Hanes crew neck. Maybe it can make a difference this year- even if it's just to make me feel better.

Cobalt- a medium-dark shade of blue. Also a chemical element. My meds helped enough today that it wasn't a _dark_ day, so to speak, but it certainly wasn't light either. And I probably failed my chemistry test today, so an element seems ironically fitting.

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><p><em>April 12, 2009<em>

Twilight

I've talked to most of my teachers about the day of silence and so far got a positive response. My math class is taking a test so we wouldn't be able to talk anyways, my literature teacher said that we'll be doing small group discussions but as long as I'm willing to write my input it's fine, and my chemistry teacher… well… I'm failing that class so badly he'd rather I _didn't_ answer questions out loud in class anyways for the sake of not making myself look like an idiot since he know that I _could_ be a good student if I wasn't so distracted by the way my life sucks right now (paraphrasing). The only teachers I haven't had a chance to talk to yet is my German teacher because he's been out sick- but the substitute said that if Herr LaFay is still out she (the substitute) has no problems with me not speaking, Miss Holiday is cool like that, and the my history teacher.

Somebody added to the graffiti on my locker. In addition to "FAG" it now reads "I'm going to hell." and "keep away, dangerous infection".

Twilight is a time of day when things get darker and the sky gradually fades to a dark blue from the light blue of day with all sorts of other colors splashing around the sun. I'm happy about the positive response, but I'm saddened and angry about the graffiti- the school won't even paint over it.

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><p><em>April 15, 2009<em>

Prussian blue

My history teacher, Mr. Jeffry, won't let me be silent. "I don't see gays being bullied as an issue, you freaks are just asking for people to protest your sinful ways. Stop whining about life being unfair, if you choose to be gay your life is just going to suck, that's the way it is. In fact, I think I'll call specifically on you on Friday just to make sure you aren't silent." And one of the school gossips overheard, and the taunts today were worse than they've ever been. "You life's gonna suck, just like you, you filthy little faggot." "The National Day of Silence is national gay suicide day, isn't it?"

I'm hiding in the auditorium right now, I've been here since after lunch. I just couldn't take it- my meds have kept me calm enough to not get in any fights or have any panic attacks, but I'm still so fucking ANGRY. Do they really think I chose this? That I'm asking to be bullied? That I wanted to get beaten up at the dance or to have my locker defaced? Do they think that I asked for my parents to stop acting like they love me? For my friends to abandon me?

Prussian blue is a dark shade, darker than navy but lighter than midnight. Today has me in a dark mood, but it's not that dark…yet.

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><p><em>April 16, 2009<em>

Midnight

I never should have given my phone number to my partner for my literature project last month. My bullies have now discovered a new media to get to me. I was getting texts all last night "FAGGOT!" "go 2 hell!" " die bitch"… and I couldn't turn my phone off or to silent because it's my alarm clock now (I broke my other one in a rage fit before I got more meds). So I was up all night. And every time I heard that little beep ring loudly through my otherwise silent room I knew it was yet another hate message. And when I turned off my alarm I saw the most recent one, and it was the straw that broke this camel's back. "Gay bullying is not an issue. You deserve our hate. Die and go to hell you little twink."

So maybe I will. I don't really want to live in a world that hates me anyways. I've got a huge bottle of Tylenol because of my arm, and I know Mr. Jeffry's room is empty before our class because it's his (and my) lunch period. It will be the perfect statement.

I'll skip lunch and go into his room instead. I'll write on the board "_Gay bullying is, in fact, an issue Mr. Jeffry. As a result of gay bullying I'm going to be silent, from now until eternity."_ And I'll sit down in the very front row, dead center, and take the whole bottle of pills, and when everyone comes into class I'll be sitting there, dead, my message neatly written in in white chalk, starkly standing out against the black of the board.

Midnight on the night of a new moon is the darkest shade of blue- it's practically black. I think my train of thought in regards to this color choice is self-explanatory.


End file.
